Move Over, Albert

 

It's not often that I feel overly intelligent.

Oh sure I do pretty well playing Couch Jeopardy most nights, unless the category is "Construction Techniques" or "Automobile Maintenance."

And, yes, I do have sufficient math skills to determine exactly when I have no chance to beat Nan in one of our golf matches. (Usually around the 12th hole)

But the idea of yours truly, Joel A. Getman, of the Dorchester Getmans, being able to successfully complete a 2022 online federal income tax form, submit it electronically, and have it accepted by the I.R.S. was beyond my wildest dreams. 

You might as well ask me to build an attic or repair a Ferrari. Impossible.

But guess what! This morning at approximately 8:00 am I clicked on the button labeled "Transmit Electronically," waited about 10 minutes, and received the following message from the I.R.S.:

 Dear Brilliant Joel,

In over 150 years of dealing with income tax filings, never have we come across a submission as precise and perfect as the one you submitted this morning. On behalf of the United States Treasury, please accept our congratulations. Oh, and you owe us $4,098! Have a nice day.

Made me tear up a little, people. I won't lie.

Now some of you may be so inspired by this story you may try and duplicate this achievement. Have at it, I say. With that in mind, I'd like to offer a step-by-step set of easy to follow instructions for completing your own online tax return.

You're welcome!

1. Arrange a session with a reputable psychiatrist because, frankly, you'd have to be a little crazy to attempt this.

2. Once the shrink gives you the green light, prepare your workspace. You will need the following: a comfortable chair that will allow you to shake uncontrollably and slouch; a desk the size of Nebraska; a ream of printer paper; ownership of a South American rubber plantation for easy access to erasers; ample supplies of your favorite alcoholic beverages and mixers, and a reliable computer.

3. Using your favorite search engine, find a link to a free online income tax program. With apologies to Margaret Hamilton, this step must be handled delicately,.

I mention this because if your search engine is anything like mine, you will be offered any number of online tax applications. And they will all claim to be FREE! But here's the rub: Free ain't really free. To qualify for a free return, your tax return has to be so simple a dolphin could complete it, and, as we all know, dolphins are not noted for their computer skills. Great swimmers though. So skip past all the commercial sites until you arrive at the official I.R.S. site. That's where the actual free stuff is. Essentially you will have a simple choice at this point. Do you want to fill in the online tax form all by yourself or do you want a free helper. I chose to do it myself.

That's where the alcoholic beverages came in.

Accompanying the online 1040 forms and various schedules is an online instructional. It is larger than the Manhattan phone book when there was a Manhattan phone book. I decided to do what any man would do: I ignored the instructions and forged ahead on my own. I was Lewis and/or Clark and the tax return was Idaho and/or Montana.

And like Meriwether and William, I definitely stumbled along the way. The online 1040 form is, well, finicky. Not Snake River finicky, but finicky nonetheless. If you make one teensy mistake, neglect to check a box, put a comma in the wrong place, mess up a zip code, the I.R.S. will bounce the return back to you until you find the error and fix it.

I spent 31 years trying to find errors in student essays, but it's been 23 years since my last error probe. People, I've lost my edge.

I submitted my completed return four different times to the I.R.S. Each time the return was bounced back to me because of one error or another. 

But the fifth time was a charm. The I.R.S. accepted my return and is eagerly awaiting the $4098 I owe. By the way, I wasn't shocked at the amount. It closely resembled the tax bills I have had to pay for several years. It actually makes me feel good to know that I pay about $4,000 more than Trump pays in income taxes. 

And I didn't have to hire some high end accounting firm to come up with the figure.

No, digital erasers and copious amounts of alcohol did the trick.

Ain't life grand.