Shooting One's Age

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING ENTRY DEALS WITH GOLF. EVEN WORSE, THE FOLLOWING ENTRY IS NOTHING MORE THAN A GOLFER BOASTING ABOUT HIS LATEST ROUND. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO DELETE AND SPARE YOURSELF THE TIME. OTHERWISE, YOU'LL NEVER GET THESE 5 MINUTES BACK.

Today, June 6, 2024, I, Joel A. Getman, shot my age. Actually, in the interests of accuracy and boastfulness, I shot one less than my age.

The fact that this feat occurred 80 years to the day after the glorious D-Day Invasion of Normandy is fitting. Both events took years of planning and much failure. Both events involved going over water. Finally, both events changed the course of  human history.

As you can tell from the last sentence, shooting my age means quite a lot to me. I am composing this entry in the hopes that shooting my age means quite a lot to you. Probably a reach but, hey, it's my blog. You shoot your age and I promise to read all about it in your blog! 

I have been obsessed with this accomplishment for at least seven years, back when I turned 70. Gee, I thought, maybe one day I will be able to shoot my age. It almost happened at 73, 74, and 75. In each case I needed one more stroke than my age to complete the round. Instead of being justifiably thrilled with shooting a 74, 75, or 76, I was actually disappointed that I hadn't shot my age. Such is the idiocy of your average golfer.

When I turned 77 last February, I distinctly remember thinking, "Great. I should be able to shoot a 77 this year. After all, I've come close on more difficult courses in the past. It's just one good round. Surely it will happen this year."

It did. 

Today.

Suck on that Pvt. Ryan.

I imagine that the non-golfers among you are wondering what the big deal is. After all, a score of 76 doesn't seem like any kind of great accomplishment. Heck, don't professional golfers routinely shoot scores in the 60's and even occasionally in the high 50's? While that is certainly true, you need to remember two important things:

1. The golfers you see on tv each weekend are talented. I suck.

2. The golfers you see on tv each weekend are mostly in their 20's and 30's. Most of them have yet to experience even dandruff let alone the onslaught of ailments one experiences in one's seventies. Of course I'm referring to aching, stiff joints, backs that don't pivot,  necks that don't swivel, muscles that aren't muscular, hearing and vision loss, warts, and just a dash of incontinence.

Still, you won't be seeing one of those 20-something golfers shoot HIS age. Heck you won't even be seeing Tiger do it for probably another 15 or 20 years.

Yet I did it TODAY! If you'll indulge me for a moment. I'd love to give you some of the details. This historic round was completed at the Northport Golf Club in Northport, Maine. It's a delightful 9-hole track that features a traditional layout of two par-threes, two par fives, and five par-fours. Even par for 18 holes is 72. I was hoping for a 77, five over par. I was playing the "gray-green" tees which are one tee position up from the back tees.  I was joined for this round by John and Fran, two fine gentlemen and fellow members of this 100+ year-old club. If you're wondering where TLOTH was, she had chosen to work on our Maine townhouse remodeling project. Priorities, am I right fellas?

The first hole at Northport is quite easy. It's a straightaway 300-yard par 4 from an elevated tee. This morning, when I carded a double-bogey 6, I can promise you that any thoughts I had of shooting my age today vanished faster than a Trump lawyer filing an appeal. With bogeys on the next two holes, I had all but given up hope of shooting my magical 77. 

Aaah, but then a birdie on hole #4, a par 4 over water and, with pars the rest of the way in, I was looking at a respectable score of 39. If I could beat my score by one stroke on the homeward 9 I would have accomplished something that most golfers never get to achieve. Knowing that this is a 9-hole course, you may be wondering if the "back" nine holes are the exact same as the "front" nine holes.

The answer is basically yes, except on occasion the tee markers are placed differently to create the illusion of playing a different hole. It works because many golfers, especially male ones, live in a golf world filled with illusions. Illusions like "Those people are too close for me to hit," or "I would have made that putt, so I'll just pick it up." Normally, I am one of those illusion-filled golfers but for some reason today I was playing it straight. No mulligans. No gimmes. No eraser on the pencil.

It was on the back nine that the magic happened. I'll spare you most of the details other than to say that there were two birdies and a bunch of pars for a score of 37 or one over par. With trembling hands I did the math: 39 plus 37 = 76. One less than my current age of 77. I silently thanked my dear departed parents for not having waited until 1949 to have me and raced home to show TLOTH my scorecard.

Having bravely suffered through my fuming and fussing on numerous golf courses for the past 8 years, she couldn't have been happier over this special day.

Me too.

Ain't life grand!