Joel and His Very Special Wonderful Day

 

I had a great day today. A truly great day. So great I had to share it with you, the followers of these lame entries. I only hope that I am a skilled enough writer to make it clear to you why this day was so friggin' great.

If you read this and aren't convinced that this day was simply wonderful for me, then I have failed as a writer.

It's OK. It's happened before.

So I guess we should begin with an examination of what exactly makes a "very special wonderful day." After all, your idea of a wonderful day may be quite different from mine. Your wonderful day might require extraordinary experiences, new people or places, bucket list items, or unforgettable events.

As you will soon see, my idea of a wonderful day requires none of the above.

Imaginary Faithful Reader: Joel, this is nonsense. How can you call something wonderful and special if there is nothing extraordinary about it? You've created an oxymoron. 

Imaginary Joel: Who are you calling a moron? Just read ahead. You'll see what I mean.

When I woke up this morning, (come to think of it, at my age just waking up makes any day at least potentially wonderful) I tried to set a few specific goals in mind for the day. You see, I had decided to take a day off from golf. The weather here in Destin has been so perfect, I had played golf for several days in a row. I don't want to give you a number because if you read the number, you'd hate me. You'd hate me for one of two reasons. You'd either think how unfair life is to afford me the chance to play that much golf when you can't do that...or you'd think how sad and wasteful it is for a person to spend so much time pursuing such a trivial, meaningless endeavor. So I won't tell you specifically how many consecutive days I had played golf other than to say that it was more than five.

And less than seven.

As I mentioned, removing golf from the day's schedule opened up numerous possibilities. Maybe Nan would have some errands for me to undertake.  These could include proofreading, mailing, being interesting, or, God forbid, vacuuming.

As I recall, the conversation went something like this:

Joel: I'm not playing golf today so if you have any errands for me, I'm all yours.

TLOTH: What can you do?

Joel: Chip, putt, and buy stamps.

TLOTH: (sighing) I'm good.  

So now I had the whole day to try and get some of my own errands done. Most days I get a lot of thinkin' done when I take Buddy out for his 5:30 am constitutional. There is a certain rhythm to Buddy's, ummm, intestinal activities which facilitates quiet contemplation. At that hour the only sound is the familiar streaming sound of urine hitting shrubbery.

Sometimes Buddy urinates too.

 

Sorry, that was too easy.

At any rate, as Buddy was attending to some other important business, I hatched out my plans for the day. And here's the rub. I fully expected to accomplish none of these goals. Not because of my own incompetence, although there was plenty of that to go around, but because of fate. I was sure that something...fate, circumstance, luck, whatever...would prevent me from accomplishing even one of the four goals I had conjured for this day without golf.

These were the four goals I had chosen as Buddy completed his morning business:

1. Get an oil change for my 8-year-old Malibu

2. Obtain the paperwork for a routine blood draw scheduled for later in the week.

3. Try out some new IPhone connectors to try and correct audio problems in the aforementioned Malibu's speakers.

4. See if any advances have been made in one of my pet projects, nuclear fusion.

As I mentioned before, none of these would be considered bucket list items, but I live a simple life.

You might say I'm simple.

The Oil Change

I went online to try and make an oil change appointment at Preston Hood Chevrolet. I prefer getting oil changes there because they have good candy choices in the waiting room. The earliest date I could get online was two weeks away. Looks like my chances for a very special wonderful day were already dashed, I thought. Well, I might as well call them to see if they've had a cancellation and sure enough they had an appointment available in an hour. I gleefully grabbed the appointment and headed to Ft. Walton, the dealership, and that beautiful bowl of Tootsie Rolls. About an hour later the technician emerged and called me into his office.

Here we go, I thought. He's going to tell me I need a brake cantilever or a muffler enhancer or some other $500 item. Here we go.

Tech: You're all set, Mr. Getman.

Joel: Don't I need cantilevers or enhancers?

Tech: Umm, no. You're all set. Have a good day.

Joel: I just might. Want a Tootsie Roll?

The Blood Draw Papers

I typically get two routine blood draws a year. The lab is a walk-up affair with no appointment necessary. Easy, right? Except when I tell the receptionist I have a blood draw, they can never find the paperwork they need to direct them. I have to wait around while they contact my primary doctor and he belatedly files the blood draw orders. This time I'm going to be proactive and bring the orders with me when I get the blood drawn in a couple of days. I asked the receptionist for my orders and guess what: she said, "Sure." Five minutes later I skipped out of the office, orders in hand. This is a special day, I thought. I wonder what will screw it up I also thought.

The IPhone Connector

This particular mission was perhaps the most critical of all. I love to listen to my 4,300 ITunes songs in the Malibu, even though only 12 of the songs are performed by people who are still alive. But lately that enjoyment was tempered by the realization that the left speakers in the car weren't working when I plugged in the IPhone; however, they did function when I listened to the radio. "It's the connectors," I thought, conjuring up my best version of Sherlock Holmes.

Now I had to find suitable connector replacements, which necessitated a stop at Best Buy. Now Best Buy and I have had a checkered history and I was trepidatious as I entered the store. The first good sign was the absence of a greeter. I could get right down to business instead of exchanging pleasantries. I found what looked like it would be the suitable connector in about five minutes. I paid for it in one minute. Two minutes later I was listening to John Coltrane's tenor sax flying out of the Malibu's left speaker. Even better, I noticed there was one more Tootsie Roll on the passenger seat. Three-quarters of a very special wonderful day.

Nuclear Fusion

This last goal was admittedly a longshot. I'd been tinkering with nuclear fusion since my high school physics days. Thought I had it licked in the early 70's but alas I couldn't replicate the reaction. And my garage burned down.

Of course the paragraph above is nonsense. When I came home after my three successes, I turned on the news and someone was describing a nuclear fusion breakthrough at a laboratory in California. I tried following the details but they lost me at hydrogen. Nevertheless, I did hear them say that this might greatly reduce or even eliminate the need for fossil fuels. That sounded big to my unscientific ears and put some icing on the top of my very special wonderful day.

I hope you had one too.

Ain't life grand!